My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.