TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk