In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My favorite farside!!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Duck typos.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Owl Sanctuary
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.