Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
You Might Also Like
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.