Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)