Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own