Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
he was correct
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL