Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again