I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.