if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
You Might Also Like
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“you recording!?”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy