Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close