Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.