Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”