a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
You Might Also Like
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
This probably isn’t good
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*