Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
u spoke cat all this time??????
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3