i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong