[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*