[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
You Might Also Like
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum