If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
You Might Also Like
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Every time.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
peeping toms
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.