villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I came this close!!!!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted