[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
work smarter, not harder