I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I have many caverns