Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Time for evil
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
fr