I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball