A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
An odd boast
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Finally
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.