please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Buck naked
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.