At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
You Might Also Like
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune