Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
tourist season
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what