News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Why soy sad?
I was bored.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people