Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Birds & Planes.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls