Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.