The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
And that about sums it up.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it