No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.