Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey