I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
How to properly lift a body
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️