Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.