[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You Might Also Like
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.