My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
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wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers