At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
this isn’t threatening at all
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.