Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Overindulged this afternoon.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
HELP 😭
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter