😂😂
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Meanwhile in Portland…
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
buying dead houseplants to save time
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.