People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.