You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*