Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”