<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Never be a pizza!
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?