Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
#Caturday
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”