they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
How high do the levels go?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away