Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
You Might Also Like
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.