Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“How’s your day going?”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue