him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific